When I first had you I never had a baby before. When I found out you were growing in my tummy I was extremely excited for our new adventure through life together.
Although I had never been around babies before, I thought I would be really good at being a mum because I work with children. I spend all day teaching them and showing them the right way to behave. I make them laugh and guide them through their problems. Some children I worked with always made bad choices and I would do my hardest to help them make the right choice even when other adults didn’t understand why.
So when I had you Molly I thought I would instantly be able to make all of the right choices for you, especially because you were mine. But Molly, I had no idea how hard being a mummy really is and i’m sure one day you will see for yourself when we look after your brother or sister if me and daddy have anymore babies.
When I first had you, I had all the time in the world as I had taken time off work. But having you meant I had to make a hard choice of moving out of Grandma and Grandads house to live with your Daddy. That was scary because I had never lived with a boy before and me and your daddy had not been together for very long so I was worried if he saw me all the time I might annoy him and he would not like me anymore.
Moving house was very lonely. I had no other adults around me. It takes my family a long time to travel here and I had no friends either. I had no one to talk to and I would go all day and night on my own and i’d get really upset with daddy when he would come in from work and spend the evening on the PlayStation with his headset on and then fall asleep on the couch for the rest of the night. I wished that you were big enough to be able to talk to me and we could have a girly night in together. I just felt like I didn’t know you. Not like I do now. I was terrified that I didn’t know I’d love you when you grow up.
When you were a baby you cried a lot. I was very silly because I never had a baby before I thought you cried a lot because of me. Sometimes I was scared to hold you because I thought you didn’t like me. Even when I wanted to hold and cuddle you, I felt like I couldn’t because I would make you cry. If I would hold you out in public I thought people might notice I was struggling so I didn’t leave the house. When really you had terrible tummy pains and reflux. You were crying because that was your way of talking to me, telling me that you needed me. I would cry too, not in front of other people, which is very silly. I’d cry because I needed you, and I was worried about being your mummy and doing it all wrong. From day one you taught me something very special; When you are hurting you should always tell someone. Even if it is a little hurting.
I always told my students at school that if you make the wrong choice at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter as we are all human and make mistakes sometimes. Well I should have listened to my own advice. But I felt like if I told anyone they would think I was a bad mummy and they would question my love for you. I know now that I may not be the best mummy in the world, but to you I am. And I will always do what is best for you trying my full best.
I am writing this letter to you Molly just in case there is another mummy out there who is scared and worried. I want them to know that yes it is okay not to be okay. To have a cry in the shower, to go to sleep feeling sick but it all gets better in time. I promise. Telling someone really helps. I’m not worried or scared about you anymore Molly. I can finally say I am excited and feeling all of the joyful feelings I did back when I found out you were growing in my tummy.
Thank you Molly, you have gifted me with so much in 5 months. New friends for life, life lessons, new passions, love and confidence (one thing I never thought was possible to have before you).
You may still make me cry on the odd hard day but I promise you fill me with smiles till I am bursting.
I love you always